Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.

[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up

why would tinder want me to say this

Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.

Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.

an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube

My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands

*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?

What do we want?
“More existentialist jokes!”
When do we want them?
“Why?”

I bring a box of bandaids with me to sprinkle about the pool to keep it from getting too crowded

I never judge a book by its cover.

People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.

What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!

My cat: Meow

Yes I know we have all the DVDs…

“Have you forgotten your password?”

Fish: 😔

Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.

Haters gonna hate.

Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…

They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.

Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.

Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub

The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.

Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me

The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.

when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:

I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.

Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark

My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again

What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?

Did you ever have your parents hand you some cash, drop you off at the fair, and tell you they’ll pick you up in 8 hours? Work is the opposite of that.

Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.

If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv

Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.

If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats

I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.