Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.

“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.

Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”

My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.

The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.

Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”

– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.

“My phone is blowing up!”

*2 unread messages*

Rose: I’ll never let go

Jack: are you sure aboat that lol

Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before

Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo

Rose: maybe you should let go

If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.

I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.

My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.

If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.

A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.

I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.

*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!

People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.

Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.

[ first day as surgeon ]

me: and now we let the anesthesia set in

patient: do i get some too

Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…

Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?

I can turn wine into a one night stand.

Your move Jesus.

Bob is my nickname. Robert is my nicholasname

Three dinosaurs come across a magic lamp. Out pops a genie who grants them 3 wishes. The first dinosaur wishes for a big hunk of meat. The second wishes for a shower of meat. The third dinosaur not to be outdone wishes for a meatier shower.

[summoning my first demon]

ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.

MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?

Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?

I was just at my neighbors house with my kids and a bunch of other neighbor kids and the host asked a 3yo if she could get her anything and the girl goes “could you bake a pie?”

Did you know that cows kill more people than sharks?

I’m surprised that cows kill any sharks at all.

Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.

Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?

My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…

Weird.

When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids