Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work

A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.

Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.

*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*

DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush

ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing

If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.

*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*

I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?

Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?

I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill

Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.

I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.

[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em

NETFLIX: Skip intro?

ME: Yes.

NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.

ME: Should…should I not skip it?

NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.

ME: Okay, skip intro.

NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.

People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.

I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.

yesterday at the post office, guy in front of me:
“i’m interested in sending a letter.”
po clerk: “OK do you have the letter?”
guy: “no I do not”.

Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.

Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.

me: righty tighty lefty loosey

frankenstein: stop

Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color

“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”

First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge

Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?

Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”

please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”

The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.

A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.

them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm

me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark

My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed

Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?