Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.

THERAPIST: That’s horrible.

ME: Yeah.

THERAPIST:

ME:

THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?

My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.

What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists

ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*

The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude

[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?

Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”

My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)

People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.

had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead

As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.

When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement

*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*

My Wife… The Bargain Hunter

[speed dating]

Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”

Her: “Face…”

Me: “Have a nice life.”

She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”

And that’s how the fight started

16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’

Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’

16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’

ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.

daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter

daniel radcliffe: hello

agent: would you like to be in a movie

daniel radcliffe: is it very strange

agent: yes

daniel radcliffe: then yes

agent: when can you get here

daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak

[at the drug store]

Employee: May I help you, sir?

Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”

[Genetics Lab]

Me: One designer baby, please

Doctor: It’s not like that, you..

Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions

Doctor: What? No, you can’t…

Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers

Doctor:

Me: I’m gonna call her Claire

“What do you mean a baguette isn’t a female bag?”

Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.

When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.

If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.

My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.

[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there

If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.

He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.

Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.

Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.