Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not today. 😅

I saw a shooting star tonight and thought if the other stars had guns this would never have happened.

All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.

My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…

“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher

Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now

Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.

ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?

NEIGHBOR: Deborah

Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.

My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.

So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems

My mood is currently on “shuffle.”

Store policy: You break it you buy it.

Cat policy: you by it you break it.

[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]

Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*

Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready

[first day as a bartender]

*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*

Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”

The 9 levels of midwestern anger

9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”

Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it

My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on

Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy

Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad

I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.

Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.

Friend: so drinks later?

Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.

Friend: after 5?

Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.

Friend: uh..k?

-LATER-

Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through

Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”

Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”

Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.

[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”

Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life

I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit

My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.

NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax

[5 minutes later]

me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad