馃幍LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
馃幍LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
馃幍LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
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Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We鈥檙e going where?
I ordered mushrooms on my pizza.
When do they kick in?
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny鈥檚] I鈥檓 gonna kill him.
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
can鈥檛 talk rn I鈥檓 busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
I鈥檓 going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
My son has reached an age where he鈥檚 becoming curious about the human body, so I think I鈥檓 gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
Jeez鈥t鈥檚 like the people in this nursing home have never heard techno before.
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
Spotify: enjoy the next 30 minutes commercial free
Also Spotify: we have no concept of time
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?