Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order

Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.

“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want

girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s texas chainsaw massacre.

I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.

Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.

“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”

My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.

Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family

Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.

Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.

Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.

Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.

Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible

Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job

My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.

Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.

bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage

The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.

wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle

me: *putting down the ketchup* ok

So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension

you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.

This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!

What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!

genie: you have three wishes

me: i want 1000 ants to protect me

genie: you got it

me: psychic ants

genie: uh ok

me: make them as big as a blue whale

genie: dude what’s wrong with you

wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”

‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputy

THINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriff

THINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your hand

THINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for love

THINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’

romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission

CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint

annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.

margaret really hates that.

I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…