Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn

You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.

“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”

My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”

Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.

When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”

#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.

Luckily I was the one facing the TV.

Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”

[First day working in a warehouse]

ME: What’s that machine for?

“Oh, that’s the forklift”

ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??

the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”

I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks

I just killed a huge bug on the back porch with my shoe. No one steals my shoe.

Me: I love these lazy Sundays.

Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!

My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring

This girl has such star power. She so clearly exemplifies the disgust in this image & pulls the emotional weight for her less-committed peers imo

I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!

God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?

Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.

*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..

I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.

😂👽

*puts my mental health in rice

Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.

It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.

Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.

I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.

my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something

I could never commit gun violence. The only things I know how to reload are my pill caddy and a Pez dispenser.

So it turns out that all of the tire places with “discount” in their name have the same prices as everyone else.

Nobody ever told me that this was an option.

okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?