Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.

*Heaven*

God: you may ask me 1 question

Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?

God: what?

Me: I wanna write loud numbers

I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.

I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.

Please join me in a moment of silence for the wasabi almond that just rolled under my fridge. Godspeed, little buddy. We shall meet again when it’s time to get a new refrigerator and not a moment sooner. Give my best to your new blueberry friends.

At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.

him: hi, I’m Tom

me: nice to meet you uhh…

my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago

me: m…mom

It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it

Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power

“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”

Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries

I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.

The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.

❤️🦆

Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…

Her: I went line dancing last night..
Me: It was roadside sobriety check karen

Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.

“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter

When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power

SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school

ME: What’s that?

SON: A big building with lots of kids

what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti

[First day as a private investigator]

*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound

*Gets murdered

that time you heard your best friend swear in front of his mom

Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes

you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and

shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.

so you jump to death from the check-out desk.

The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”

“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”

I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.

Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.