🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
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her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
S M O L
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
Me: The woman next door thinks you’ve been spying on her. Go over and tell her you’d never do that.
Him: Okay. I’ll go as soon as she’s out of the shower
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
I’m leaving this garbage website because it’s become such a cesspool and ruining all of our lives.
I’ll be back in 5 min.
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
Have you experienced humidity? You may be entitled to condensation.
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
I need to get some bricks…
