Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh thanks BBC.

You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.

Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!

“Omg, I literally just died”

-people who literally don’t know what literally means

Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday

Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise

Favourite diary entry ever

My mind: You’re 18…

My body: …minutes from death.

gf: [crying] I love him

gf’s dad: if you love him let him go

gf: [lets go]

me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
m
e
e
e
e
a
n
s

So apparently a doctor’s note doesn’t get you out of work for multiple years

“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS

Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards

It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”

Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.

I slept in until 9:30 this morning. But don’t be too jealous because I did it wrong and now I can’t look to the left.

8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”

Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about

Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.

I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁

Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants

What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words

[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”

Wife: I am angry with you.

Husband: Again or Still ?

Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.

How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?

I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch

[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda

Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.

sitting next to you on an empty train and clicking my stopwatch every time you turn a page in your book