🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
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me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
people who own banana costumes will wear that shit to anything. its labor day and theyre like waittt u know what would be perfect rn
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick