🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
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no!! no!!!!!!
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
Nobody stretches the definition of “salad” like a Southerner at a summer barbecue
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.
Exercise won’t cure your depression, but it will make you hotter than your ex. Which is sort of the same thing.
I don’t want to forget anything so I always make a list before I go to the supermarket:
1. Get shopping
2. Pay for shopping
3. Come home
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these