Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.

Everyone else in the bar leaves.

I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..

There all like awww shit,

who’s it gonna be this time

Best seat on the street 😍

My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.

[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]

“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”

*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day

witch: what do u need?

me: a spell to make my dad proud

dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable

The truth will set you free.*

*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.

Be the change you want to see in the world!

Me: *goes back to bed

adam and eve had first world problems

[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]

older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!

younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive

everyone:

everyone:

everyone:

older coworker: you don’t get any cake

Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.

*aggressively waits in line*

Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.

Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work

Top 3 questions asked by my parents:

3) How’s the business?

2) Do you have a girlfriend?

1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?

At Walmart during the holidays like..

Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.

I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,

“Hi”.

I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.

If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors

Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.

Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.

WHAT DO WE WANT?

RACE CAR NOISES!!!

WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??

NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW

i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying

My 13 yro daughter just asked

What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?

It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.

Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.

(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*