Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.

I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.

My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.

If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.

14: I don’t have a signal.

Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-

14: It’s back.

Me: Good talk.

“are you drunk?”

– everyone’s response when i send a nice text

Saw this yesterday lol

Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?

I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.

How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7

Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes

saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad

wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?

me: she thought she could fly

wife: did you yell at her?

me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen

Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:

Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.

—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.

—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.

My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.

For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.

How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.

Email: Would you like to have some fun?

Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*

A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.

ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.

THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.

God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out

Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?

God: lol no no no, the hair on their head

Angel: [under breath] i miss satan

Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option

4-year-old: What happens when you die?

Me: You go to heaven.

4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?

Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?

We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.

[Me, on my deathbed]

Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?

In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.

[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]

I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?