🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
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All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
I got a new washing machine that plays a little song when it’s done instead of buzzing and I just found out. So I’d been running outside for an ice-cream truck that doesn’t exist for like, 2 months.
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
Technically, all restaurants are drive-thru it just depends how committed to the task you are.
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.