Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.

WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?

ME: *Muffled* No.

WIFE:

ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.

You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.

cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night

First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.

We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.

Them: You seem nice.

Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.

Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.

When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents

My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.

Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.

My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.

Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.

Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die

[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*

instructions: stir halfway through cooking then put back in microwave

me: oui chef

Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
They

Amateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes

My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.

Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.

thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair

[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way

My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!

*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…

“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”

SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.

airing out the snack pack

Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.

Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*

*logs onto Facebook*

*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*

*logs off forever*

Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.

I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.

Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.

“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”

– People who haven’t met me yet

Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?

*Trips over the cat*

Folks ask me if I ever get tired of putting smiles on the faces of kids and their families in my job as a theme park mascot and my answer is always the same: God yes, are there any openings where you work?