Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*

before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now

#Caturday

“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”

My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household

Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.

I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.

every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy

Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half

Me: I’ll do it

Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily

Me: *crying* He’s good

Wife: What

I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????

[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.

More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.

Freaky Friday 2:

The mom and daughter switch bodies again

The mom doesn’t go back

She keeps stealing children’s bodies

She lives forever

I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.

my anxiety is at an all time high because i keep getting texts that begin like ‘anna, we need to check in’ or ‘this is a difficult message to send’ and for a second i think it’s my boyfriend breaking up with me before i realize they’re all from tim walz

I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.

I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!

Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*

I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row

*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*

What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it

Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅

[job interview]

Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …

Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?

Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?

Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.

Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!

Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.

My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears

[date night]

*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*

Let’s do this.

I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.

Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?

“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.