🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
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Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
Pat Sajak: I’m Pat Sajak.
Me: Jack.
Pat Sajak: No, my last name is Sajak.
Me: Jack
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
mood
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.