🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
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Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
i have one speed and it’s mosey
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
Children of the Corn Man
