🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
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Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the livingroom. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
imagine playing truth or dare and they dare you to go home
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer