Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.

Not only do I turn down my radio to find a house or a parking spot, but I also take off my sunglasses to hear someone better.

[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]

– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside

me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact

You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.

I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.

Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.

I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.

My goal is to spend no more than $7 from now until January

[pitching script]

WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…

PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?

W: it’s a burrito

P: holy shit

[fire]

EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.

We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.

You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.

[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing

[tarot reader looks at my cards]

you’re gonna die clonking your head on something

I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.

80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”

You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion

“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean

You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.

Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.

Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs

My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”

Coronavirus: LOL.

If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.

Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them

Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.

The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle

My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.

her: I’m a cat person

me: I’m more of a dog pers-

her: [starts licking hind leg]

me: oooOoo k