Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything

Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert

announcing “i’m pregnant”

– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?

screaming “there’s something inside of me”

– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?

me: most people don’t use their middle names

machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way

I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?

toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise

Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.

If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?

If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.

Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.

a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention

Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.

Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.

Can’t, too busy deleting screenshots of my lock screen

My boss said I’m not allowed to nap at my desk, but apparently I’m not allowed to bring my bed into the office either. Make up your mind!

I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.

[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”

[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready

Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.

I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.

You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.

Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.

A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house

Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*

Husband: *cries*

wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how

A French press is when you hug naked

Rambo Rambow

[Time is NOT Real Institute]

BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

ME {coyly}: Time is not real

BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?

ME: Right away

BOSS: …

ME: Oh shi-

Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅

Never go to sleep after making me angry