Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m rubber. You’re glue.

I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.

Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.

Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?

16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.

Me: 😊

16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.

I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.

My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.

“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”

Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists

[first date]

OK don’t let her know you’re a snail

Waiter: Would you like some salt?

[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]

Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.

ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?

Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.

A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.

It was an unexpected LAN slide.

Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way

So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.

I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.

Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display

Ffs 🤦‍♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again

[struggling to get out of a hammock] come here and say that

No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.

People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.

They should combine the running of the bulls with tour de France next year.

I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.

I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.

My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum

These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them

If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.

You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away

Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”

– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.

I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud

My dog burst through the screen door yesterday so I’m dressing her up as the Kool-Aid man for Halloween.

Thou shalt not commit adulthood

[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up