Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*gets a new lease on life*

*misses first payment*

overrated: crying in the shower

underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos

her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.

I don’t normally like to brag about expensive trips but I just got back from the grocery store, getting gas, and signing my kids up for summer camp.

4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.

Me: What am I?

4-year-old: In the way.

It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back

[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”

Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.

if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank

my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life

Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.

The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍

“I’d like to speak with a manager”

My reactions

1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.

I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.

The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.

Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.

Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food

HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.

I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.

More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.

And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.

So cis people are super normal

me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*

Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.

My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.

[ At the ball ]

Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?

Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.

Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro

All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive

All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us

Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok

I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me

If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?