🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
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I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
[loses house key, starts a new life]
I was binging Friends with my 14yo and there was a cliffhanger episode and I mentioned that we used to have to wait a week to find out what happened and she looked at me like I just told her we had no running water.
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
“How much is it to sign up for a library card?”
“It’s free.”
“But what does it cost?”
“Nothing, it’s free.”
“No, how much money is it to sign up though?”
“I swear it’s free.”
“Never mind, I’ll ask at the other desk.”
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
#polloftheday
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.