Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?

Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is

[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!

Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Wife: Let me do the talking

Cop: No, I’ll do the talking

Me: Why is your wife even with you

Cop: There you go, I said this would happen

The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.

You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.

But I don’t suggest you point.

Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.

What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.

When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first

Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!

Very funny Mom!

Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?

reviewed some movies recently

It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too

*1st dinner date*

Me: waiter, can I get the bill-

Her: I love sophisticated guys

Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?

My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.

Terminator vs Alien vs Predator vs Robocop vs a toddler who hasn’t had a nap.

As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.

my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon

My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue

I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool

That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls

Pandas 🐼🖤

if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.

Our youngest son graduated with a bachelor’s degree in English. We bought him a car because we’re proud of him. And because he’ll probably have to live in it.

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?

Cop: Yes, go back a step.

Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.

Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.

I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.

[taking the last bite of a big meal]

date: what would you like to do next

me: poop

ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it

I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.

Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.