Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.

Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.

Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it

[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*

People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!

The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.

The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.

A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.

That’s not how days work.

You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.

if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up

Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?

Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing

Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?

Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider

Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?

Me: No

R.I.P.

This chloroform smells expensiv…

Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain

#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.

Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.

Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps

We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.

Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.

A marinara trench sounds nice tbh

Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!

Cinematography is my passion

I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.

There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.

I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive

Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol

“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.

“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”

“Really “?

“No”

*jesus walking on water*

Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!