🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
You Might Also Like
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
being too stressed isn’t good for the baby.
i’m not pregnant though, its just that i’m the baby
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
I always tell my pets I love them more than the Atlantic so they can better understand the immensity.
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*