Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy

Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.

Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.

*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.

Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.

Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.

“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”

I don’t work from home because there are too many distractions. My house has a TV and a PlayStation and it’s impossible to concentrate on these if I have to work.

You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.

Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.

I don’t know how my parents avoided boredom before the internet. My 13 brothers and sisters don’t know either.

If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.

I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.

Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.

North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.

DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish

SNAIL WIFE: Oh no

HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT

My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.

me: i heard you were talking shit about me to your mom.

my niece (who’s 12): yeah. did you want to hear it again, or did you get everything?

People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.

Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day

Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too

Son: *From the basement* WHEN

*weird horror movie sounds*

me: it’s okay, it was just the cat

cat: ah hell nah

me: what?

demon: meow?

My son hugged me and very sweetly told me Happy Mother’s Day. Then he looked up at me, “I have a surprise for you!” And he took out his recorder…

Ain’t no mountain high enough

Ain’t no valley low enough

Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough

To keep me from yooou

Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.

If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”

Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.

Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!

My kids: what are we having for…

ME: LEFTOVERS

Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.

Me: Absolutely broke.

Advertisers: She’s ready. Target her with the nicest shoes ever.

[at a Doja Cat concert]

me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS

a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place