🎶It’s like 10,000 steps when all you need is a nap🎶
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If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
This will never not be funny ðŸ˜
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.