Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.

Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.

I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.

{Working as a bouncer}

ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*

I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.

~Psychopaths.

Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.

when you miss your boat so you have to take the train

He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.

And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.

I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.

Tickling is the most absurd bodily function.

Here, let me use feathers to completely incapacitate you.

Adhd brain is amusing.

I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.

Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.

My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex

Me: they’re my service bees

Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you

Me: they’re trained

1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*

2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME

I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.

[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]

“I know you’re not really an armadillo”

My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.

when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes

-Marital tech support, how can I help you?

-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.

-Have you tried turning her off and back on?

-I did the first part.

*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!

Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.

Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun

Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!

Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea

I know karate and tons of other words.

HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.

I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.

You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know

btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing