Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me hooking up with my ex

I am having fish and chips for lunch.

*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*

villager: ah! run! it’s frankenstein!

dr. frankenstein: actually, i’m frankenstein. you can call him frankenstein’s-

frankenstein’s monster: *glaring*

dr. frankenstein: frankenstein’s friend

“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie

I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today

(burglar breaks into my house)

me: Reginald, kill!

pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*

Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?

are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]

People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.

SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE

I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”

Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.

I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.

[high school reunion]

“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”

No that was Tyler.

My nickname is Phantom Menace, because I also came out in 1999 and am not that popular.

me: going to the gym

friend: but it’s 2AM

me: got to exercise my demons

Me: I’m sorry. I never know what to do with my hands, especially when I’m nervous

Driving instructor: *screaming intensifies

I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.

I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits

Me (a masseur): *applying oil*

Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?

[At Adele Concert]

Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide

Me (shouting): Tell us your surname

captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.

There should be a Jaws sequel where the shark finally gets arrested for his crimes and goes to jail.

Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.

Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?

There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.

My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.

Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.

I put a NEW DRIVER sticker on my car so people will have mixed emotions when I cut them off.

All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.