Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.

My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.

We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.

If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.

Me: When do you install the lasers?

Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…

Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?

If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.

Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?

Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?

Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.

Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.

by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids

If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”

I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat

. : can i have that?

me: have what?

: : thanks

me. wait

⠸ : yoink

me stop that

What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.

[first day as therapist]

patient: i’m in a weird place

me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap

A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience

Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.

Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.

[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?

Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke

it may seem bad right now, but at least everyone is armed. and completely unhinged.

Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..

Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?

HS: ..blocking the pickles.

my lower back watching me try to live my life

friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?

me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk

when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.

I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment

cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5

the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless

They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.

me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans