Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers

[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally

Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?

Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.

My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.

Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up

Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?

W: Oddly specific but yes

Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry

art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face

picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?

Gross, who put proof in this pudding?

Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.

what if we kissed on the garfield couch

No man left behind.

No stone left unturned.

No donut left uneaten.

Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try

Me when my alarm goes off

interviewer: what do you know about excel?

me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet

Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic

Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no

Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?

*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*

Me: The gym.

[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”

Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded

One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.

[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]

*breaks wind*

Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.

The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.

Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.

cashier: have a nice day

me: i got other plans, buddy

Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed. 

Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!

she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October

If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”

My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.

Douche.

I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.