馃幎Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty馃幎
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I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
How do you make a cat stand completely still?
Press paws.
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
It鈥檚 almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
The world needs to chill out. There鈥檚 no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
I don鈥檛 know if I鈥檓 still tired or already tired.
[abruptly stops speaking in tongues] Oh the exorcism is for ME?
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I鈥檓 not pregnant.
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
If my wife and I got divorced and moved to separate states, I鈥檓 convinced I would still hear her chewing.
I can always tell what part of my cycle I鈥檓 in by how concerned my friends are over my tweets
袉 never thought 袉 wouId say th褨s, and 褨t took me a wh褨le to come to terms, but 袉 th褨nk 袉 ate too much bacon.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
Always…
Atheists, if Jesus isn鈥檛 real then explain this.
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
It鈥檚 getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents