Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

woke up in the middle of the night to write this down

If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.

Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it

yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat

curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious

Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.

“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-

2017: It can’t get worse than this

DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment

*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*

My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know

I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.

Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life

I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for

Me: [getting mugged]

THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK

I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm

The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.

Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS

Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative

*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous

Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.

As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.

Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage

Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.

never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement

What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?

My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.

Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back

A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.

I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work

we shouldn’t call bad opinions “hot takes.” people like to be hot. they should be called something disgusting. tell people they “took a glumpy one”

*quietly adjusts thermostat*

my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?