🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
You Might Also Like
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
Normal people: we want a sensible & intuitive home design
Modern architects: we moved the first floor to the second floor and made the stairs into an infinite loop.
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row