Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter has been super nice lately and encouraging me to take naps so I can rest and I just discovered that while I’ve been doing that she’s been slowly decimating my secret candy stash

son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult

[toddler birthday party]

Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?

Wife: mine’s-

Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?

Wife: -432 months.

Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!

Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd

Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?

I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..

In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale

13: *walking into room*

Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.

13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*

What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.

Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter

Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start

“I’m a doomsday prepper” I say to the Costco cashier as she scans 3 pallets of vodka and Uncrustables.

Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.

My 9yo wanted to be a doctor but now he wants to be an Australian breakdancer. Thanks, Olympics.

ME: [holding door for wife]

WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?

Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym

My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.

Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket

Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”

and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.

but they meant Will and Kate ☠️

I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.

Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.

Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.

I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out

I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.

“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”

“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…

Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.

In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.

Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.

Doctor: do you exercise?

Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks

Doctor:

Me: cronchies

Doctor: I’m gonna put no

Me: ok