Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.

Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?

“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder

I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep

I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.

In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics

Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.

To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.

boss: why aren’t you getting your work done?

me: [staring at 5 hours of meetings on my calendar today] it’s a hell of a mystery really.

*Me on a first date* centaurs have two rib cages

ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?

WIFE: Inverted?

ME: No, in English Sharon.

My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.

When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.

You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.

No. You cannot have both.

With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line

Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…

This is just a bottomless Pitt

Me: Wouldn’t adding coins make it harder to whistle? Them: That’s not what “pursing your lips” means.

Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.

‘god is not a potato’ is one of those phrases that is going to live rent free in my head forever. and i’m not mad about it

Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie

17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.

Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.

He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.

My favorite fruit salad is sangria.

My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.

Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?

When I tell a joke that doesn’t land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.

In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right

[work email]

Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!

*hides bag of steaks*

Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?

4 Year Old: Chocolate

Me: You really are my child.