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Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.