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I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
This is Chance. He’s just been entrusted with his first strawberry. Very honored. Will take care of it forever. 12/10
haven鈥檛 exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it鈥檚 on the table
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can鈥檛 afford the rent.
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
Thank god it鈥榮 friday. Only 40 more years of working.
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It鈥檚 been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
Schr枚dinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schr枚dinger: I have good news and bad news
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
Her: What鈥檚 with the dozen donuts?
Me: They鈥檙e for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn鈥檛 it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
Kids at this rave act like they鈥檝e never seen a CPAP machine.