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My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container