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Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
If an attacker broke into my house and & I was hiding, all they鈥檇 have to do is fart.
I鈥檇 giggle and give myself away immediately.
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i鈥檝e never drunk anything else
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
Everything is arbitrary to kids so you can invent any rule you want, just present it as a normal rule. We wear a seatbelt in the car. We wear a helmet on our bike. We wear a disguise to the bank
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!