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Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
Stick it to the man
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
I know it’s traditional to start work at 9, but I think we could lower that age to 8.
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
*dangling legs in the ocean*
🦈: is for me 👉👈🥺
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
My vegetarian sister discovered we were all in a separate group chat without her, sharing delicious food photos, called Secret Meat Up