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Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
Customize Your Wedding.
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.