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Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
just once id like to see people talking about a murder victim in an average way. like yeah tony always hated going food shopping. decent guy tho
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.