🐟✨ #re4
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6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
They did not think through this water fountain
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*