🐟✨ #re4
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[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.