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Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers