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Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
10-year-old: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
Me: We can have ice cream after dinner.
10: Dinner will ruin my appetite.
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
Did…did a minotaur write this
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour