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Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
The worst thing about having poison ivy on my face is that I can’t shave.
The second worst thing is people asking me what kind of craft beer I make.
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
Sorry not sorry.
People on Facebook be like “can anyone tell me about a thing I can easily Google myself?”
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
Me: If only we lived in a just world where everyone got what they deserved.
Friend: Including you?
Me: Actually, scratch that idea.
My dream job is getting paid to dream
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
2020: Everyone needs to count their steps every day!
2025: How walking is actually killing you.
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
Never forget.
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this