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“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
set yourself free xox
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
Not to expose myself for being dumb—but the vet told me my dog had a spot that might be a melanoma and the first words out of my mouth were “oh that does run in our family.” Like, I really forgot for a sec that I did not give birth to her.
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
men, we mow at sunrise.
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
Boom, boom, ching!
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza