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My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
It’s been a while since I’ve done online dating but where do you put your daily supplemental fiber intake on your profile
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!