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I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.