🐱: “She’s injured, now is the time to strike!”
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Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it