🐱: “She’s injured, now is the time to strike!”
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Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
May your day taste like creamy soup.
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
12: You’re almost half a century old.
Me: Go to your room.
There should be a socially acceptable way to say, “I’m not sure what to say to that. Can you please say something different?”.
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.
i know i’m gonna be alone forever because one time i went on a date with a guy who told me he was an optometrist for the veterans association and i said “haven’t they seen enough”
HR says I have to stop switching people’s vapes with kazoos.
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
Can’t tell who liked my tweet so from here on out, I will assume every like is coming from my crush.
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing