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My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
🖕🏻👽
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
there’s music for literally every activity
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?