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[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, heād bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.
If you need me, Iāll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.
If I was a mafia donās wife, Iād keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
Look at this
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically theyāre not really free weights.
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked š š¤£š
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“Iā¦amā¦aā¦vegan”
My wife says the kids look just like their fatherā¦
…and if I ever find out who he is, heās got some explaining to do
I donāt always sleep well, but when I do, itās 5mins before the alarm goes off
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, āI canāt believe I blew 40 bucks in there!ā
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, Iāll see myself out.
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldnāt feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar