🐶😂
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My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
i love modern commerce
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
Living the best life.. 😊
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.