🐶😂
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… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
After cooking show a dishwashing show with same host but kind of drunk.
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
never vacuuming so i don’t disrupt my carpet’s natural micro biome
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
Give us this day our daily internet validation
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?