🐶😂
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Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
stressed, standing 10th in line when car drives up outside w/ music so loud that whole store hears the thump of the bass
Random Guy Behind Me: I used to play music that loud but I was a teen. I grew out of it
Me: I’m just glad you hear it, too. I was afraid it was my heart beat
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
the short answer to this question
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
Going to a hair-washing party tonight. Really don’t want to go but I couldn’t think of an excuse to get out of it.
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.