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My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
