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My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
Aries: Maybe you don’t understand what you’re doing with your life, but you’re not alone. No one else understands what you’re doing with your life, either.
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
as is their right
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.