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“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
My wife and I hadn鈥檛 cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
I鈥檝e never met a pizza I didn鈥檛 want to get personal with.
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy鈥檚.
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
Gross if literal…Liverpool
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
Feed me pretty and tell me I鈥檓 tacos
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!