馃憖
You Might Also Like
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it鈥檚 funny when we see people鈥檚 eyes glaze over.
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman鈥檚 bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn鈥檛 reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
You know when you tap the You Tube video to see how much longer it has left…I wish I can do that with people when they are talking to me
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
You鈥檙e clearly insane. Ok, I鈥檒l give you twelve more chances
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son鈥檚 voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY鈥橰E CALLED HEADPHONES
It鈥檚 my son鈥檚 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don鈥檛 hear from me again, they won.
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what鈥檚 the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar鈥檚 wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch