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We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
surely THIS is the open bar where i will finally learn restraint
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
How did they know the suspect had a ghost gun?
It fired boohlets.
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
My neck, my back, my…
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me