You Might Also Like
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
Rt to bother an English speaker
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
Happy Friday
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?