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People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Nothing.
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
You can’t outrun your problems…
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i