👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
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I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
Check your privilege
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
