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And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
the worm is coming from inside the brain
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
Stop roasting yourself, you’re not a marshmallow
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
Smile they said.
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
Robot bartender rips me in half after listening to my problems for over an hour.
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent