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Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
No one is more surprised than my kids every night when i say it’s bed time.
If you’re in the gym filming yourself and getting mad at people getting in your shot, I’m gonna twerk in the background at whatever piece of equipment you’re on.
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
Kids these days don’t know the shame of having to explain yo-yo injuries.
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw