馃憤
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The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
this was very charming
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he鈥檚 probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
Just found out the hard way that they don鈥檛 like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I鈥檝e kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let鈥檚 just play and I鈥檒l explain as we go.
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
my mom decorated the apartments for the cats
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
The cell connection was bad so either your daughter is going to Yale or to jail. Either way, hope she鈥檚 out in five years or less.
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 馃榾
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They鈥檙e very good ninjas.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks