Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness

Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.

date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous

me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha

*watches someone skateboard off a roof

…hold my beer

I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.

Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.

Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.

I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.

I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?

Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”

alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!

his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too

Me: “Want a banana?”

3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”

My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”

I’ve lost countless hours of my life simply squishing peoples heads with my fingers as they walk by

COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves

Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.

Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*

I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”

“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!

Impervious: being an admitted pervert

A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.

*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs

I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.

What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?

A blood vessel…

“So sorry” – Actually sorry

“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry

“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all

“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me

I contain multitudes, Elizabeth

Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.

—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?

Me:

Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty

Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”