Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“That’s close enough…”

~Government worker

one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up

i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or

5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?

me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves

ME: So how fast are you at making suits?

TAYLOR SWIFT: …

I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.

A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune

Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”

If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.

My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.

*falls off log and dies

Santa punched a hole in my wall because I left him soy milk

“And why did you join our gym?”

▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked

narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-

toupeed eagle: what?

How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.

My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.

Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.

I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.

The train announcer just said we should keep our personal belongings with us at all times but I’ve left most of mine at home.

[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back

HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?

SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep

Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.

Me: As opposed to what?

Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice

I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.

[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back

BOSS: I want to see you in my office.

ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.

My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life

Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool

Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds

Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho

Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers

Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-

Scientist: They wore socks with sandals

worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman

Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty

How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight

3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.