👮♂️New comic: Good Cop, Bad Cop👮♂️
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Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
before you call me an idiot consider this: i know
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
Pandas 🐼🖤
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
Have you ever tried archery blindfolded?
You don’t know what you’re missing
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
Proof of God(s),Anubis spotted in Alberton,South Australia 😲…
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
No babe, they’re not short jorts, they’re junderwear.
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
I don’t think I can be bothered with dating anymore?
My husband:
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present