👮♂️New comic: Good Cop, Bad Cop👮♂️
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Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
11: dad I have a confession
me: oh boy. What.
11: last night before you said it was bedtime I made a plate of nachos and put them under my bed. Then I ate them after bed time
me: 😂 how did you get your brother not to tattle?
9: I paid him off in nachos
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
Well, this certainly took a turn
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.