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Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
The cool thing about being a procrastinator is really bad ideas also don’t ever make it off the ground.
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
I’ve been single for so long I can’t even spell relionchip now
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
Opening up a chiropractor office and calling it “Back to Normal”
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
when someone says they don’t like reading books, im like cool, you do you psycho
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
huge if true: the moon