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The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our dachshund is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
Mayor of a small town is such a wild job. It’s like being the president of a country where you went to high school with the whole population.
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
If we all club together we could raise enough money to buy Monday and have it destroyed.
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
#parenting
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
Mapping the Lickability of the Periodic Table
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.