👽
You Might Also Like
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.