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Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
Lycra leggings didn鈥檛 get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
There should be a day between Sunday and Monday called Hang on a Second.
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
Although Paul Simon doesn鈥檛 specifically list it in the song, one of the 50 ways to leave your lover is murder.
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
Cannot stop laughing at this
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.
When you鈥檙e cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you鈥檙e actually going in the wrong direction
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
Fired my daughter鈥檚 math tutor when he said she wasn鈥檛 giving 110%.
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”