👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
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I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
‘god is not a potato’ is one of those phrases that is going to live rent free in my head forever. and i’m not mad about it
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
i may live alone but I keep the toilet seat DOWN in case a woman burglar needs to use it
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
Bill is short for Billiam
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
I went to a job interview, and it didn’t go well.
How was I supposed to know HTML doesn’t mean how to make lasagna?
I mean, I don’t know how to make lasagna either, but they didn’t know that.
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.