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cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
Parents: You better eat all of your food, there are children starving in China!
Me: Well, can’t we send them this?
Parents: Go to your room.
Hilariously true story. 🤷😆🤣🤦
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
I went to an antique auction. Three people bid on me.
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
Went shopping for camouflage but didn’t see anything
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
Glorious 12/27 to those who celebrate.
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.