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unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is my trunk open?
Cop: no.
Me: then it’s definitely not for the body in my trunk
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
Tier 3 meme
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.