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Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
bias laundering edition
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)